TMD-B

The “R” in RG3 now stands for Rubber Legs. Rubber Legs Gimp the Third.

No Fins No!

As you may have seen in my primer, I predicted this loss, but I certainly didn’t predict the ineptitude of the Dolphins. We showed up like a high school team whose best players were sleeping on the bus. The injury to Knowshon Moreno? Just mixing that with the insult of a pathetic showing. This team has, after two weeks, looked exactly like their 2013 version: capable of beating anyone, capable of beating themselves just as often.

Ambulance!

The early games on Sunday looked like a fast-paced run through a hospital ward. Griffin’s gumby-legged pogo jump that dislocated his ankle, while certainly disappointing for Redskins’ fans and Griffin himself, was hilarious. Watching Moreno’s elbow dislocate wasn’t funny. Desean Jackson’s shoulder is now located somewhere near his esophagus.

Then the injuries continued.

A.J. Green stubbed his toe on his other toe, or something. Jamaal Charles’ high ankle sprain is the latest in a series of injuries that, if I had to venture a guess, have come due to the Football Gods decreeing last year’s Chiefs to have been too big for their britches.

What are britches?

Anyway, there were a lot of high-profile players wearing braces, walking boots, Ace bandages, ice packs, toe slings and riding golf carts. But that didn’t get in the way of some good football…

Why Should I Care About Johnny Manziel? Why Shouldn’t I Care About Kirk Cousins?

Honestly, folks. Let’s start with number one:

Manziel, the offseason equivalent of a Paris Hilton sex tape (back when she didn’t have a collection of them), was put into a close game against one of the best teams in the NFL (not that their record shows it so far, but still, they’re good) for no apparent reason. Comments from coaches and starting QB Brian Hoyer lead you to believe that the team has such packages in place “in case they’re needed”. Why, Cleveland, did you deem it “needed” to put in your rookie, backup QB for a few plays when the balance of a pivotal game had yet to be decided? Even if Johnny-College-Football made something happen (which he didn’t, handing off twice and throwing a short and very poorly timed pass before riding the pine again), you’re essentially asking for a mistake. That the Browns managed to win, on the quick eyes of Hoyer and a well designed pass play, might be a sign that the aforementioned Football Gods are done with their childish bullying of Cleveland.

At least for one week.

Now, on to Cousins. The Redskins’ offense, with Rubber Legs Gimp, is a stagnant, uncoordinated thing. He’s still playing scared or at the very least tentative about his prior injuries, and now you’re adding another leg issue to the mix. Right now, especially after seeing the results the Kirk Cousins-led offense had (Jaguars comments notwithstanding), I have to say that Captain Kirk is the man for the job. Whether or not Rubber Legs is healthy.

Also, can someone please remind the offensive coaches that they have one of the best and most durable running backs in the league on their roster? You know, in case they forget again in the future? Maybe stick a post-it to Rubber Legs’ helmet.

These Games Showed Me Things…

The Ravens went from lost to found quicker than the eye could really process, but I have to remember that Joe Flacco looks pretty damn good at home. The whole team does; but they need to improve their overall consistency. Such a key word in football, consistency. No wonder I use it so much.

Pittsburgh will still be trouble.

The Panthers just won back-to-back games I didn’t think they had it in them to win. I won’t be underestimating them anymore, but that doesn’t mean I think they’re a great team. Close enough, though. Close enough.

And with the Saints sitting at 0-2, the Falcons unable to beat a good defense and the Buccaneers not realizing the preseason is over, Carolina has a fast track to the division title.

Cincinnati would look to be the team to beat in the AFC North. They are, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the division manages to beat them at least once this year. Still, awesome job shutting down Matty Ice and the Falcons.

No amount of Adrian Petersons saves the Vikings from the wroth of a 0-1 Patriots team. Well, maybe 53 of them might have, but cloning isn’t legal. Yet.

53 Adrian Petersons. Hide yo kids…

…I’m kidding. Leave Adrian alone.

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The Chargers beat the Seahawks. Doesn’t Richard Sherman owe a team a steak dinner or a bunch of medals or something? Oh, and let’s stop this “Sherman was exposed” nonsense, shall we? He’s not good enough to be talked about in such ways. Good, damn good, but his mouth is what you’re all attacking. Have the common sense to say so, hmm?

How about them Chargers, though? Antonio Gates, father time is on vacation.

The Broncos are concerning me. They let a dying Chiefs team stay in the game. These aren’t the world-beaters we saw last year.

Wes Welker will be back soon, though. Oh my.

Too many pundits have been claiming the Packers as one of the best teams in the league. They’re not. Not even close. But they can be. They just need to, you know, win games more convincingly. A win is a win is a win, but the Jets were rolling over the Pack for much of the game. Too-smart-to-be-wrong ‘experts’ need to lower the Packers in their power ranking. Just a little bit.

What the hell happened in San Fransisco? I watched it, but I’m still not sure. Is Brandon Marshall just that good? Yeah, he is. But the Bears defense? That isn’t supposed to happen, is it?

The Colts were robbed, but they still look suspect, giving the slow-start Eagles a chance to lift off in the second half. Chip Kelly is starting to look like the NFC’s version of Bill Belichick, with savvy halftime adjustments and instilling the will to win in his players. It’s impressive, without a doubt. Imagine what they’re going to look like when they start playing four quarters…

Weekly Awards

QB Of The Week: Philip Rivers. Legion of Boom? Meet the Boomstick.

RB Of The Week: Darren Sproles. When LeSean McCoy says he’s been the 2nd best back on his team this year, you look at the other guy and you say, “you must be good”. Sproles is more than good, and he just showed that last night.

WR Of The Week: Sammy Watkins, welcome to the NFL. You’re going to be one of the best. Antonio Gates, keep on keeping on, old-timer.

Offensive Line Of The Week: Chicago Bears. Give Cutler time, and he will prosper. Good showing also by the Chargers and Browns. This one can easily be split three ways.

Defensive Performance Of The Week: The Lions were one Jed Collins’ broken tackle from possibly being shut out. That doesn’t happen. None of it, not even Jed Collins catching the team’s only touchdown. Who is Jed Collins? Doesn’t matter. Props to the Panthers defense, who might actually be better than they were in 2013. Scary stuff.

Goat Of The Week: Richard Sherman. He really didn’t give up much at all, but when your mouth writes checks…you know the rest. Dude needs to be publicly humble every so often. His behavior after this game was not an example of such.

Coaching Performance Of The Week: It would be easy to give this to Mike McCoy. So easy, in fact, that I’m giving it to him. He figured out the Superbowl champs and put his team in position to do the rest. But, kudos to Doug Marrone (Buffalo) for sitting at 2-0 and beating two good teams in the process.

What’s Next

I know the Dolphins can beat these Chiefs. I know it. But will they? Oh, will they? Somebody say yes.

The Redskins found their stride against the team everyone finds their stride against, but will that stride match the Eagles’? I doubt it, but it should be fun to watch either way.

I know they just got blown up, but the Vikings-Saints matchup has intrigue written all over it. Peterson will most likely be playing, and if Cassel can avoid throwing four more interceptions…well, the Saints haven’t beaten anyone yet.

Ravens-Browns. Packers-Lions. San Fransisco-Arizona. Divisional fun. These games will be close ones, and worth keeping an eye on constantly.

Oh, I heard the Seahawks are playing the Broncos, too. I think it’s a rematch of last year’s Superbowl or something. Should be decent.

riversface

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